November 9, 2011

 

 

第三十七天：11月8日(二)

该如何形容那种感觉？幼儿时在大年除夕期待初一的到来、年少时第一次要到海边度假的兴奋、与一群好友第一次到一个美丽的国家旅游、在机场等着思念已久的人。。。？
就是那种感觉吧，这几天内心里就有这种澎湃的感觉，现在亦是如此！

我也尝试问主说，我到底在兴奋什么？知道有好事情会发生，却不知是什么事！知道将得着我好喜欢的礼物，却又不知道那礼物是什么！带领中午祷告会的时候，终于有答案。。。

原来这答案只是回答我为什么我不知道自己在兴奋什么，而不是告诉我兴奋的是什么东西！
上帝说我不知道自己在兴奋什么，因为他要做的是一件“新事”，既然是“新”的，当然不存留在我记忆里，因此我不会知道那是什么东西。他也说他要做的是超越我所求所想的，那当然我也不会知道是什么。。。

“看哪！我要做一件新事，如今要发现，你们岂不知道吗？我必在旷野开道路，在沙漠开江河。”
～ 以赛亚书 43:19 ～

“神能照着运行在我们心里的大力，充充足足地成就一切，超过我们所求所想的。”
～ 以弗所书 3:20 ～

哇！这怎不叫人兴奋呢？
下午准备晚上要分享的“kairos”的信息时，心跳又开始加速了，所以我很确定这奇妙的事将要在11月11日我们结束禁食40天的通宵祷告时降临或开始！这心跳的感觉不仅让我联想以弗所3:20的“心里的大力”，我心里跳动的是否就是这“大力”。。。？

 

Day 37 : Nov 8th (Tue)

How shall I describe this feeling? Like childhood days anticipating the first day of Chinese New Year on New Year’s Eve, during my youth excited about going to the beach for a holiday for the first time, going to a beautiful country for a tour for the first time together with close friends, and waiting for someone you miss dearly at the airport…?
It is that kind of feeling, my heart has been stirring with this sensation past few days, even right now!

I also attempted to ask the Lord, what am I feeling excited about? I know something good is going to happen, but I do not what thing! I know I am going to receive a gift that I am going to love very much but I do not know what that gift is! While leading the noontime prayer session, I finally had the answer…

Actually this answer was only to answer me as to why I do not know what I am excited about, and not really telling me what the thing I am excited about exactly is!
God said I do not know what I am feeling excited about because he is going to do a “new thing”, and since it is “new”, it is of course not in my memory. Therefore I would not know what that thing is. He also said what he is going to do is beyond what I have ever asked or what I can imagine, then of course I would not know what that is…

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”
~ Isaiah 43:19 ~

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”
～ Ephesians 3:20 ～

Wow! How can I not be excited if so?

This afternoon while preparing my “kairos” message to share at night, my heart began to beat faster again, so I know for certain this wonderful thing that is going to happen will descend or start during our watch-night prayer on November 11th as we conclude our 40-day fast! This unusual heart-beat caused me to recall the “power at work within us” in Eph 3:20, is it this “power” that is pumping in my heart…?

 

November 8, 2011

 

第三十六天：11月7日(一)

早上参加邵遵澜牧师约翰福音的教导，下午1:30我主持国双的丧礼。

很安慰，看到躺在棺木里的他是“含着微笑睡去”，真的很好看；就连他还没信主的阿姨都说“很美”。。。
国双母亲一直很不舍的说“让我再看他最后一眼，让我再看他最后一眼。。。”，我告诉妈妈说你要记得他的笑容，就记得他的笑容。

那么安详含着笑容睡去，你知道他很平安，知道他一定是去到一个很安详、很美丽的地方；看到的人都会很安慰，妈妈的心情也平复了许多，这是我很安慰的。

在丧礼时我分享我家的见证，说多年前我弟弟未满九岁时就离开这世界，他小小年纪都已懂得信耶稣，只是当时爸妈还没信主。我曾经问过妈妈为什么会在弟弟去世后信主？她说其中一个原因是，她看到他躺在棺木里的脸孔，好像一个天使，含着笑容睡着了。所以，我妈妈就相信弟弟信的耶稣一定是很好、很平安的上帝，一定是带他去很美丽的地方。。。

有一些人误会我昨天的分享，以为我深陷沮丧、灰心、挫折，其实不然，我只是与哀哭的人同哀哭，感受人突然离开的难过和沉重。我对神绝对没有怀疑或动摇，况且我很羡慕国双离开时的属灵生命，和他跟主的关系。他最后的日子也学习我们禁食祷告，甚至晨祷都出席！我记得他最后一次的晨祷的时候，我在台上还看着他祷告，心想他的灵命最近真的是突飞猛进。。。然后他最后的时刻，因病了没办法来教会，还在家里躺在沙发上开电脑，陪妈妈一起看聚会现场直播，从家里跟我们一起赞美敬拜，听道时还会笑，就在那时刻呼吸他的最后一口气。。。没有痛苦、没有挣扎，在神的同在里，有最爱的妈妈在身边，这样子回天家。。。

如果我们都能类似这样子回天家，真是何等蒙福的一件事。。。

提后4:6

“我现在被浇奠，我离世的时候到了。那美好的仗我已经打过了；当跑的路我已经跑尽了；所信的道我已经守住了。”
～ 提后 4:6-7 ～

 

Day 36 : Nov 7th (Mon)

Attended Rev James Shao’s seminar on the book of John in the morning, I conducted Shuang’s funeral at 1:30pm.

Very comforted seeing him “sleeping with a smile” on his face in the casket, he looked good; even his aunty who is not a Christian yet said he was “beautiful”…
Shuang’s mother repeatedly said “Let me have a last look at him, let me have a last look at him…”, I told the mother to remember his smile, just to remember his smile.

So at peace, sleeping with a smile, you know he was really at rest, and you know he has gone to a very peaceful and beautiful place. Whoever saw his last look would be comforted, the mother has calmed down a lot too, this is very reassuring to me.

During the funeral, I shared my family’s testimony. I told them how many years ago my youngest brother who was not even nine left this world. He already believed in Jesus though still a kid, my parents were not Christians then. I once asked my mother why she would believe in Jesus after my brother passed away. She said one of the reasons was she saw in that tiny casket, the face of an angel sleeping with a smile on his face. Therefore, my mother believed that the Jesus my brother trusted in must be a very good peaceful God, and that Jesus must have brought him to a very beautiful place…

Some people misunderstood my sharing yesterday, thinking that I was very depressed, discouraged and feeling defeated. No, you have mistaken, I was only weeping with those who wept, feeling the sadness and heaviness of the sudden departure of someone. I certainly did not doubt God over this. Furthermore, I feel kind of envious of Shuang’s spiritual life and relationship with God at the time of his departure. He learnt to fast and pray with us during his last days, and even attended the early morning prayer sessions! I remember during his final morning prayer, I was watching him from the pulpit, thinking to myself that this guy’s spiritual life had advanced so much recently… Then in his final moment, as he could not make it to church because of illness, he was still lying on the couch at home, turning on the computer to watch our live broadcast with the mother. They joined in the praise and worship, laughed even when we joked in the midst of the sermon, and it was at that time that he breathed his last… no suffering, no struggling, in the presence of God, with the mother he loved so much beside him, he went back to be with the Lord…

If we could all go back to be with the Lord in similar situation, would not that be such a blessed thing?

“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
~ 1 Tim 4:6-7 ~

November 6, 2011

第三十五天：11月6日(日)

今天早上我的心情极其沉重与难过，其实是从昨晚散会后开始。

散会时，庭辉说他要去医院紧急病房看国双。我就问发生了什么事，是不是禁食过度，因我知道国双也有禁食。
庭辉说据说是身体不太舒服，发冷，昨天淋到雨，人有一些感冒，但好像很严重。

庭辉还没离开教会，我就接到国双姐姐打来的电话，很急的叫我们祷告，说医生说很不乐观。我也很讶异，为什么感冒会这么严重？我也一直担心是禁食过度。听他姐姐的语气非常焦急，我就赶快召集一些弟兄姐妹一起赶去医院。

抵达医院，还在停车的时候，国双姐姐又打来哭着说不必去了，他已经走了。。。

主啊，怎么会呢？他还这么年轻，下午和昨天还好好的，我看到他这几天都来晨祷，都觉得很感动，特别注意他。。。去医院途中，我们一路上都不中断的祷告。。。

我们还是进去病房看，看到他哥哥国贵在他的床边；他也问我为什么会这样，我没有办法回答。我把手放在国双的肩膀，还是尝试为他祷告，他还是走了。。。
医生说查不出死因，需要解剖来看；但他们也说不是禁食的缘故，这至少让我有点安慰。。。

赶到他母亲的家，家人说都不敢跟妈妈透露真相，因为国双是妈妈最疼爱、最小的孩子，四十年来都一直留在妈妈身边照顾妈妈。可是妈妈已经察觉到，正在那边痛哭说她无法接受。。。

一个失去爱儿的母亲的心谁能体会？谁能安慰？我也只能紧抓住妈妈的手，抱着她，让她哭。。。

跟随我来的青少年也在说牧师不知该如何安慰这母亲，我没有办法，因为这种伤痛很深，什么属灵的话、安慰的话都无济于事，除非神恩膏你的嘴唇，有神的灵亲自充满与安慰这颗破碎的心。。。

主啊，求怜悯。。。

“主耶和华赐我受教者的舌头，使我知道怎样用言语扶助疲乏的人。主每早晨提醒，提醒我的耳朵，使我能听，像受教者一样。”
～ 以赛亚书 50:4 ～

 

Day 35 : Nov 6th (Sun)

This morning my heart was really heavy and sad, it actually started from last night after the meeting.

After the meeting, Jonathan said he wanted to go to the hospital’s emergency department to see Shuang. I asked him what had happened, was it because of over-fasting? Because I knew Shuang fasted with us too.
Jonathan said from what he heard, Shuang was not feeling well and felt very cold, he might have contracted some serious flu because he was caught in the rain yesterday.

Before Jonathan could leave, Shuang’s sister called me sounding very urgently asking us to pray for Shuang because the doctor said the situation was not very optimistic. I was very surprised, why would flu be so serious? I was also concerned that whether it was due to over-fasting. The sister sounded really anxious, so I gathered some brothers and sisters to go to the hospital with me.

Arriving at the hospital, while still looking for a park, the sister called again, she cried and asked me not to go anymore because he was gone…

O Lord, how could that be? He was still so young, and alive and well just this afternoon and yesterday when we saw him. I was also very touched to see him in the early morning prayer meeting the past few mornings, so I specially noticed him… and on the way to the hospital we were praying unceasingly…

We went into the emergency room and saw his other brother standing beside his bed. The brother also asked me why, I could not answer. I laid my hand on Shuang’s shoulder and attempted to pray for him still, but he still left…
The doctor said they do not know the cause of death and need to do a post mortem; but they did say too it was not due to fasting, that did comfort me a little…

We rushed to the house to visit the mother. The siblings said they could not bring themselves to tell the mother because Shaung was the youngest and had always been mommy’s boy, all these forty years he had been by the mother’s side to take care of her. But she already sensed it and was crying desperately saying she could not accept the fact…

Who could feel the heart of a mother who lost her beloved child? Who could comfort her? All I could do was to hold her hand tightly and hugged her to let her cry…
The young people who came with me were also wondering how I was going to comfort this mother. I could not, because this kind of pain is deep, whatever spiritual or comforting words are all useless unless God anoints your lips, and the Spirit of God Himself fills and comforts the broken heart…

O Lord, have mercy…

“The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.”
~ Isaiah 50:4 ~