June 22, 2011

 

都忘了是哪一年了，只记得那天下午我在教会排练圣诞节詩歌，电话响了。。。

另一端传来消息说他自杀了，问我能到医院吗？医生说沒救了，应该渡不过今晚。。。
我愣住了！脑海一片混乱！三天前不是还好好的吗？当时我不是才在办公室辅导他吗？怎么又去做傻事？

我无法马上抽身，只能晚上去看他，心中求主怜悯，彰显神迹让我还能见到他，跟他说话，或者让他神迹般活下去。。。

他，三十出头的单身汉，患有忧郁症，皆因以前迷信相信算命的妖言，苦等他“发财”的日子，结果一直没到，他崩溃了。

最初他来教会时，头发凌乱、衣物不整，身上还有一点难闻的味道。
看得出他愁绪万缕，也看得出他精神状况不好，更不需要猜就知道他一定没有朋友。

散会后上来被祷告时，我为他按手祷告，心中有感动给他一个拥抱，让他知道耶稣爱他，我也不拒绝他。。。
但。。。他的精神状态、样貌、还有身上的味道怎么办。。。？我还是顺服了心中的感动去抱他，而且以后为他祷告后，都会尽量抱他一下。

有一次他主动带着微笑跟我们说，以前别人是不可能看到他的笑容的；他开始对人生有一点盼望，虽然精神状况还在恢复当中。

家里不是每个人都信主，难免受不了他一个大好男人不去上班赚钱，所以时而会催逼他赶快去找工作。

他自杀前三天来见我就是说承受不了家里的压力了。
我继续鼓励他，也抓住他的手一起祷告，他也还能微笑跟我握手说谢谢。
我以为一切都正常了，可是突然间这消息。。。（待续）

I have forgotten which year it was, I can only remember I was practising some songs for Christmas that afternoon. The phone rang…

The other side conveyed me the news that he had committed suicide, they asked whether I could go to the hospital. The doctor said there was no hope and he would not survive through that night…
I was stunned! My mind was blank! Was he not alright just three days ago? Was I not counselling him then in my office? Why did he do this foolish thing again?

I could not leave immediately, I could only go at night. I prayed for God’s mercy that He would perform a miracle that I would still be able to see him and talk to him, or perhaps that he would live miraculously…

He was a single man of slightly more than thirty years old. He was suffering from depression, the result of superstitiously believing in some fortune-teller’s nonsense and waiting for the “day” he would strike gold but it never came and he had a breakdown.

When he first came to church, messy hair, shrivelled shirt, and some unpleasant body odour, you could tell he was full of worries, could also tell his mental condition was not so sound, and there was no need to guess that he had no friend.

After the service, he came up to be prayed for. I laid hand on him. There was a prompting in my heart to give him a hug to let him know Jesus loves him and that I do not reject him too… but… what with his not very sound mind, and appearance, and the smell…? Anyway, I obeyed my heart and gave him a hug and subsequently I would try my best to give him a hug each time after I had prayed for him.

Once, on his own initiative, with a smiling face he told us no one could ever see him smile before.
He began to have some hope for living though his mental condition was still in the process of getting better.

Not everyone at home was a Christian, inadvertently they could not stand a grown man not going out to work to earn some money.
So on and off they would push him to go look for a job.

Three days before he committed suicide he came to see me, telling me he could not handle the pressure from home.
I continued to encourage him and held his hand to pray with him. He could even shake my hand and smile and say thanks to me.
I thought everything would be alright, then suddenly the news came… ( To be continued…)

 

 

 

 

June 22, 2011

很多时候我们把爱和感觉搞混乱了，以为感觉很好才是爱，没感觉或感觉很不好时就以为已经没有爱的成分，或不需要再爱下去，因为感觉很勉强、很假、很虚伪。。。

试问，你觉得上帝或者主耶稣每一次爱我们时，那感觉一定很好吗？

一个全然圣洁恨恶罪恶的神，却选择去爱、去拥抱一个肮脏污秽的罪人，那感觉好吗？

然后被罪人拒绝，还要被羞辱、虐待、活活钉死在十架上，那感觉好吗？

就连信了主过后还很常不顺服和多次伤他的心，那感觉好吗？

而且爱我们这种人会带给他什么好处？
一点好处都没有！
反而还要帮我们解决一大堆问题，我们还很常缺乏感恩。。。

这些感觉都好吗？这样爱值得吗？我想感觉一定很不好，我也认为我们一点也不配得他的爱！
然而他却这样选择和决定爱我们，永不离开、永不放弃。。。

那感觉未必很好，甚至可以很确定说，感觉根本不好！
那他为什么还要爱？
因为。。。那才叫做真爱。

所以他说我们若真有爱心，也当爱别人如同他爱我们一样。。。
你身边是不是有一些你“必须”爱，但是却爱得感觉不是很好的人？
仰望主吧。。。

Many times we have confused or mixed up love and feeling, thinking there is love only when we feel good about it, and if it does not have any feeling or if it feels bad, then the element of love is missing, so we think there is no need to continue to love in situations like that because it feels like an obligation, very fake or hypocritical…

Let me ask you, do you think God or Jesus always feels very good each time He loves us?

A completely holy God who hates sins chooses to love and embrace a filthy sinner, does that feel good?

Then rejected by sinners, humiliated, tortured, and crucified on the cross, does that feel good?

Even after becoming a Christian, still very often disobey or hurt His heart, does that feel good?

In fact, what good does it bring Him for loving people like us?
Not a single benefit!
Instead He has to help us solve unending problems, and yet we are not always grateful…

Does all that feel good? Is it worth it to love like that?
I think it must feel terrible, and I do not think we deserve one bit of His love!
Yet He chose and decided to love us, and will never leave or abandon us…

That may not feel so good, in fact we can definitely say the feeling is not good at all!
Then why does He still want to love?
Because… that is called real love.

So He said, if we truly have love in our hearts, then we should love others like the way He loves us…
Are there people around you that you “need to” love but it does not feel all that good to love them?
Look to the Lord…

 

 

June 15, 2011

那一次几个问题接踵而来，无法安静思考、近乎窒息。。。
我跟天父说：对不起，我很少逃避现实、不负责任，我很多事情都问过你，但这一次就让我选择逃避一下可以吗？

我不告诉人，自己跑去旅行社买机票，决定飞去北京找刚好当天随孙燕姿演唱会团队飞往北京的祖。

That time, problems came one after another, I could not think coherently, I felt suffocated…
I told Father God: I’m sorry, I seldom run away from reality or am seldom irresponsible, most times I would ask Your permission, but this time, could You just allow me to choose to escape for a while?

I did not tell anyone, I went to buy the air ticket at the travel agency.
I decided to fly to Beijing to meet Jaydon who happened to fly there that day as well with Stefanie Sun’s concert team.

但飞中国需要签证，当天要办签证也已经太迟了。。。

我又跟天父说：我不问你我这样子走掉对不对、该不该，我只求你让我出去透透气一下。。。可以吗？求你让中国理事馆允许我逾时了仍愿意给我签证。。。

旅行社员工回来报告说我的签证拿到了。。。
好几个小时后我抵达北京。

But we need a visa to fly to China and it was too late to apply for a visa that day…

I told Father God again: I’m not asking You as to whether it is right for me to run away in this manner, or whether I should, all that I’m asking for is for You to allow me to go and breathe some fresh air… is that ok? Please allow the Chinese Embassy to grant me a visa beyond their office hours…

The agency staff came back and said I got the visa…
Many hours later, I was in Beijing.

 

孙燕姿音乐总监KennC是我好友，他不知道我其实是“离家出走”，还以为我只是纯粹来度假。
他听到我来很高兴，让我免费跟他们住同样饭店，还安排给我演唱会最贵的贵宾席（约马币八百零吉）！

Stefanie’s music director, Kenn C is my good friend, he did not know I was actually “running away from home”, but thought I was only coming for a holiday.
He was very happy to hear that I came, he got me to stay with them for free at the expensive 5-star hotel, and gave me the most expensive ticket in the VIP seats (about RM800)!

第一次参加流行演唱会，看着那坐的满满的室外体育馆，孙燕姿受欢迎的程度可想而知。。。顿时觉得自己很渺小，我到底是谁？谁会认识我？
我只不过是一颗尘土，天父没理由拣选我、使用我，而我还在这里逃离他的呼召。
虽然如此，这粒尘土却坐在最贵的贵宾席。
我感觉天父对我的重视和爱怜，虽然我逃跑，但我仍感觉他说：孩子，我还是爱你的。。。

It was my first pop concert experience ever, seeing the packed outdoor stadium, you could tell Stefanie is indeed very popular… Immediately I felt so tiny and insignificant, who am I? Who knows me? I am but dust, there is no reason why Father God should choose and use me, and here I am, running away from His calling.
Even so, this dust was now sitting in the  most expensive VIP seat.
I could feel how Father God treasured and loved me. Though I ran away, I felt Him saying: Child, I love you still…

 

孙爸爸坐我后面一两排（左一戴眼镜的）。。。
Stefanie’s father sat a row or two behind me (far left with glasses)…

 

演唱会一开始，我注意到孙爸爸那很满足的眼神看着他女儿表演。从他眼神，我知道在他心中，燕姿永远是最棒的；不管她歌唱得怎么样、舞跳得怎么样，孙爸爸的表情都是那么欣赏和喜悦他女儿，他那么的引她为荣！

可以感觉到他也会紧张燕姿表演会不会出差错等等，倘若真的出差错，我很肯定他会很心疼燕姿，而不是生气或觉得丢脸或急着要责备，他也一定会担心燕姿会不会受伤或难过。。。

那一刻，我感受到天父的心。。。我突然领悟他时常也是这样看着我。。。
天父的爱触摸了我，我的耻辱与罪恶感也消失了。

As soon as the concert started, I noticed Stef’s father’s very satisfied expression watching his daughter’s performance. From his eyes, I knew in his heart Stef will always be the best to him, it does not matter how well she sang or danced, the father’s expression was one of someone very appreciative of and delighted with his daughter, he was just so proud of her!

I could feel he was also concerned whether Stef would make any mistake during the performance etc, and if she did, I was sure he would feel so much for her and not get angry or feel ashamed or want to rebuke her instantly, he would also be concerned whether Stef would feel hurt or upset…

At that moment, I felt the heart of my Father God… I suddenly realized that He is also constantly looking at me in the same manner…
The love of my Father God touched me, my shame and guilt disappeared as well.

一个地上的父亲都能那么爱他的孩子，天父岂不更爱我？岂不更关心我、在乎我？
我因着压力而逃跑，我没做好我的本份，他没有生气我，也没有惩罚我，他反而还让我住五星级饭店，坐贵宾席看演唱会。。。

那一天，我发现天父那么了解我、在乎我，也非常体贴我的软弱、我的感受。。。
我逃到北京，逃离天父的呼召，却跑进我天父的怀抱。。。

Even an earthly father could love his child so much, would not my Father God love me more, care for me more, or be concerned for me more?
I ran away under pressure, I did not stay true to my calling, He was not angry with me, He did not punish me, instead He put me in a 5-star hotel, and gave me a VIP seat to watch a concert…

That day, I realized Father God really understands me and is very concerned for me, He also understands my weaknesses and feelings…
I escaped to Beijing, I escaped from the calling of Father God, I escaped but ran straight into the arms of my Father…